Tina-Not-Fae
by Max Rasgar
Summary: This is the untold tale of Kenzi and Tamsin's adventure to the hospital due to 'bad period' cramps. (As referenced in S4E9: 'Destiny's Child'.)


Disclaimer: Don't look at me because two of the characters contained within this story belong to their respective owners: Showcase, Shaw Media, Prodigy Pictures etc.

A/N: If you read the the summary then we're good to go except for this last piece of info: Enjoy this story longtime `cause dis shizz be in Kenzi's POV, recognize.

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><p><strong>-Tina-Not-Fae-<strong>

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><p>"What the shit Tam-Tam?" I say while my adorably clueless but not so innocent companion trails along behind me. "Keep up little miss Valkubaby because I can't carry you in my state, and uh hello...we're here for me."<p>

"Hold up a second Kenz," Tamsin says and I stop walking and turn around to look at her. "What you got goin' on down there," She says while looking down at my lower regions as she screws up her face, "you know in your lady business parts can't be hurting that bad. I mean did you even try a Midol?"

"Trust me its bad and do I look stupid to you?" Tamsin shrugs and I frown a little. "Of course I popped a few Midol's but they're just not getting it done this time around."

"I get that but why did we have to come here; a Fae Veteran's hospital of all the other places of healing?"

I should be three sheets to the wind that she didn't mention Lauren, because the Doc going all science-y on me isn't an option either; can't have this getting back to Bo or anybody really. I take a few steps towards Tamsin until I'm in her personal bubble.

"T-sin, look this might be Canada and I know we all have free health insurance, but I can't go to a regular people's doctor. If you recall I'm a free a spirit with slightly loosened morals and I'm a survivor like Beyoncé, but the man has labeled me as a criminal." I grab Tamsin by the lapels of her cute shit red and black leather coat, "You see this face, this is the face of the notorious Kenzi Rogers."

Tamsin chokes back a laugh and ends up snorting a little. "Dial it back ovary queen, you make it sound like wanted posters with your mug on it are plastered everywhere and that some might even be in braille or something."

I let go of her lapels and smooth them down with both hands. "I am a woman on the edge so let's do this already. I need an epidural or Vicodin or better yet hook me into a morphine drip, I don't care!"

I turn away from the sight of Tamsin rolling her eyes at me and continue down the hallway which is entirely too white with swaths of pukey accents in Linda Blair exorcist green.

"All we need now is that stupid 'Mission Impossible' theme playing." Tamsin says with a chuckle as she shoves me a little to the side with her shoulder or technically her lower arm since she's hella taller than me. "The coast is all clear up ahead shorty."

"I'm not short; I'm fun-size." I retort as we quickly move towards the empty nurse's station.

"Whatev's Kenz, but getting back to business you need a chart with a female name on it to get any treatment." Tamsin says as she pushes past me and then reaches over the desk of the nurse's station and grabs a handful of those metal clipboards. "That is unless you wanna pretend you have some weird Fae dick debacle going on?"

"For your information just because I say 'nut-up' and 'balls' a fair amount and that I know what it's like to have wolf junk, does not mean I want to personally sport such things on my wee self for realz." I retort through clenched teeth due to another shooting pain firing off down below.

"What are you talking about?" Tamsin says as she flicks through the clipboards; three of them have already failed to make the cut.

"Nevermind. You are my wing woman Tam-Tam so help a brotha out!"

She snorts as she flicks through the last clipboard in her hands. "Got it, the chart to this one here should do; not too many women at this hospital, it must be pro-wang."

"White coat at twelve o'clock high, cover me." I say quietly as I grab the remaining charts and glance at the Valkyrie approved one, and then I leave it and push the rejects back over the countertop as stealth fighter as possible.

My partner turns her body to block mine completely from view. "Hey ass clown!" Tamsin shouts at the short super chunky man who I spotted.

After securing the crap charts I step around Tamsin; doctor dude is stopped and by God if this man is not some kind of fish Fae or dwarf-hybrid something. Because he damn sure could pass for one with the coke-bottle looking glasses he is sporting, that make his dark brown eyes look about twice the size of a normal persons eyes. And of course he is wearing a long white lab coat that looks like one doctor hot pants used to wear, but paired with some seriously hideous grey tweed pants that look like the seventies threw up on his legs and dried; don't get me started on his shirt and tie.

"Can I help you?" He asks while moving closer to us.

Right then a sharp pain perks up and says: 'Hey bitch what?' to me and I hold my mid-section which doesn't really help against the way my lady pot is peeling and exfoliating internally. I stagger towards the man with Tamsin close by my side. "Look..." I glance down at the name stitched on the man's white coat and try not to laugh too much, but then again he seems tailor made to fix my problem. "Dr. Snatcher, I'm sure with your impressive education and the lens on your glasses that let you see further than the Hubble space telescope, can surely help little ole' me."

"Of course and what is your name?"

Tamsin snorts again and grabs my waist with one hand as I falter a bit to the side, but another sudden searing pain of the paint peeling in my oven and a not so gentle shift of my crimson tide rolling in causes me to wobble and groan. "Shit balls! My name is Tina; the chart is...I mean my chart is right there on the desk."

Dr. Snatcher's eyes go even wider and the sight is almost unbelievable, I swear those glasses are some mad serious magnifying lenses. "If you'll follow me to exam room five," He says as he picks up the chart and opens it. "Ms. Retton."

I smile through the pain. "Lead the way Doc."

Tamsin and I follow along behind our height challenged physician. Seriously the dude would be shorter than me even if I didn't have my usual oh so _chouette _boots on. And Dr. Snatcher's footwear choice of those fugly Crocs, seriously there oughta be a law against those. I mean if someone put those shitty things on my rotting corpse's feet, I would be forced to come back and haunt their asses until they were in the ground too.

"You know your younger sister Mary Lou made a lot of us Fae proud along with the humans in the Olympics." Dr. Snatcher says as he pulls the white printed curtain aside and Tamsin and I move past him. "Granted that's been a long while ago."

"What the Fae?" I blurt out before I can turn my filter on its highest setting as Tamsin covers my runaway mouth with her hand. Suddenly a clear mental picture takes shape in my head of little Miss Super Fae and her flips, and then also her ability to be the monthly cover girl on 'Barely Legal.'

"What was that?" Dr. Snatcher asks as he yanks the privacy curtain back towards the wall again.

"Nothing Doc." Tamsin replies as she moves her hand off my mouth. "Tina was just gasping in pain."

Dr. Snatcher turns around and gives us a small smile as he opens the metal hinged clipboard in his hands. I swear his eyes seem to click over every line printed on that paper; dude's eyes are kinda reminding me of one of those old as shit typewriters, only I don't have to reach over and slap his eyes back into phase once he reaches the end of a sentence.

"According to your chart Ms. Retton it says that you are pregnant. Which is quite a feat considering your advanced maternal age of six hundred twenty-three years?"

"I better not be because the only thing I've had between my legs recently was bright purple and had batteries in it." I reply without thinking or more accurately filtering to maintain my cover.

"So didn't need to know that." Tamsin says rolling her eyes at me.

"Excuse me but you're one to talk." I say while casting a sideways glance at my Valkyrie bestie and formally adopted daughter. "I heard about the Hydra dudes young lady. I mean what do you even do with a guy that has nine wangs?"

"Go at it nine times, duh! Because even with nine heads it's still only a ten minute ride."

"Seriously triple time eww Tamsin! And how are you not preggers?" I say while looking between her and Dr. Snatcher who is just silently watching us while sitting on his little rolling doctor perch. "Say Dr. Cooter why don't you transform her vag? The tall-blonde playa over here just might have a bun or two in her oven since she's been playing with that many wangs at once."

My verbal spewing is interrupted by the sound of Dr. Snatcher snapping some rubber gloves on. He smiles at me and I notice that the overhead fluorescent lighting shines off his bald head, but at least the dude Mr. Cleaned it instead of trying to rock the side-hair with a comb over thing. "Ms. Retton will you please get on the examination table?"

I shrug at Tamsin and walk over to the table and hop on. Dr. Snatcher smiles at me as he tries to fold his arms across his chest, but his well-endowed moobs prevent that from happening and he frowns for a second.

"Did you know Ms. Retton that Valkyries have a limited fertilization period and that they're bodies won't usually accept other types of Fae for reproduction purposes? Human males are actually about the only male specimen that might successfully impregnate one of her kind and then he will unfortunately be the one to carry the offspring, for Valkyries are more like fertility goddess and aren't meant to have a bun in their oven as you coined it." I hear Tamsin chuckle as I look down at my super chunk doctor while he rolls up closer to the examination table. "And what kind of Fae are you exactly, because you don't really smell like any changeling I've encountered before?"

"Fair warning...um...but doctor or no doctor you better not try to roll up between my legs; cause I don't call my boots 'kicks' for nothing, and funky smell or not I'm a bad ass super changeling for your information." I say while wiggling further up on the exam table and the damn paper sheet makes this stupid crinkle sound under my sliding ass cheeks. "Now would you be so kind to hook me up with some meds cause my lady junk feels like it's going to explode, _s'il vous plait._"

"Uh Doctor Snatcher, if you are going to make her strip down give me a heads up, because even though we're Bff's I don't want to know if she waxes the floor down there."

I quickly swivel sideways on the exam table to glare at Tamsin. "I'll have you know there is no way in hell that I would ever allow a sass-crotch situation to happen to my brassy beaver."

Tamsin makes a face and takes a few steps away from the exam table to stand near the sorry excuse for privacy-that shitty curtain.

"If you will fill out these forms we can get started and take a look to see what's going on." Dr. Snatcher says as he wheels over to the edge of the exam table; just off my right side, papers in latex covered hands. "And I recommend that we start with a transvaginal ultrasound, since with your genus it makes determining if you are-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold your speculum and magical vag wands right where it is Dr. Cooter." I shout while edging off the examination table. "That chart is wrong about the diagnosis; it was a bad cell reception when I called for this referral. So I don't need any magic wands inserted up in my lady bits; me not preggers I promise. I just have some 'reconstruction' taking place right now."

Dr. Snatch pushes his glasses up his nose and I can't help but notice his super magnified dark brown eyes again. "I see...so you are just menstruating and you have painful cramps?"

"Yeah that's the long and short of it." I reply and Dr. Snatcher nods his head before he rolls away from me on his stool back towards his little desk-nook deal against the wall.

With my dignity hanging on by a thread I scoot completely off the exam table and go stand next to Tamsin near the flimsy curtain. How that was supposed to protect my modesty from even more bug-eyed peeps that might've decided to take a look under my hood, I never want to know.

"This is not a script, but if you will wait for a few minutes I'll have the hospital's pharmacy provide you with these before you leave." Dr. Snatcher says as he scrawls Fae only knows what across his prescription pad.

"That's not in Elven or Hobbit speak is it?" I ask as he swivels around on his stool and his glasses make his eyes so big I swear a full blink looks like it takes two minutes.

"You're funny, but no it's only English I'm afraid."

"So what are you juicing her up on there Snatcher?" Tamsin asks with a smirk. "Because I hope it's stronger than Flintstones."

He chuckles as he gets up off his stool and walks towards us. I reach for the piece of paper and snatch it out of Dr. Cooter's hand and it's cool to see that bad chicken scratch pretending to be handwriting doesn't discriminate; it's a straight up doctor thing.

"May I have that back please?" Dr. Snatcher says with only a small detectable amount of annoyance.

"Sure, I just wanted to check out your penmanship dude."

Dr. Bergina Box takes the slip of paper from me; walks past Tamsin and pulls aside the shitty wannabe privacy curtain again. "It's just six 800mg capsules of Tylenol that should last during the remaining duration of her menstrual cycle; two capsules a day with food, but no more than two a day." He says seriously while pushing up his glasses again before leaving us in the empty and sterile as hell room.

"Kenz, do you really have to get all sticky fingers with everything?"

"I'm a tactile person Tam-Tam and I ain't about to start repressing any of my fabulousness." I retort while trying to ignore a sensation that I imagine is how it would feel if a baby was trying to cut its way out. "And besides you should be thankful that we aren't doing the Fae version of Sex Sent Me to the E.R."

"The evening is still young Kenz."

I start to snark back at her but the super painful feeling intensifies in my lower bits for the five hundredth time. "Shit damn it! That felt like I was about to birth an alien! Where is Dr. Cooter with my fix?"

"It's Snatcher but I see the humor in your version of my name." Said doctor announces as he walks back into the examination room with a wheelchair rolling ahead of him. "Clean bill of health Ms. Retton but its hospital policy that you are escorted out in a seated fashion."

I stare down at the chair that screams gramps to me. "But I don't wanna ride this ride."

"If you want these you will sit." Dr. Snatcher says as he reaches into his white coat's pocket and reveals a small bottle of pills. "So please take a seat, Ms. Kenzi." Salvation is just dangling out of my reach and then a delayed moment of awareness hits me like a monster Tonka truck to the shin; I blame my raging Aunt Flow for the delay. So much for my stealth missile moves, cause I clearly didn't have the skills to get out of the bills this time around.

Tamsin snorts and grabs the pill bottle and then grabs me by my shoulders; turns my wee body and pushes me down until my booty hits home in the sad little rolling chair. I really thought he bought that I was Mary Lou's sister from another mother maybe. Who knew that she was Fae and here I thought I was macking it pretty damn good. Hell, me and pintsize flippin' girlfriend are pretty much of the same stature; we could be sisters. And I could do all sorts of cool shit when I had that Staff-of-Righteousness badass stick.

"Thanks Dr. Snatcher." Tamsin says with a laugh as we slowly roll out of the examination room. I'm pretty sure that I left a fair chunk of my dignity back there.

"When do you think he made me?" I ask while shifting my boots on the foot pedals of the wheelchair.

"Probably since you wouldn't let him use his magical cooch wand on you."

"Again with the grossness?" I say as Tamsin starts rolling the chair a bit faster.

"Please you're one to talk about me being gross. I'm the one who has to listen to you go on and on about your adventures in wang-sitting with Hale more than-"

"Okay, I get it." I interrupt. "Subject swap right now; seriously dude I feel like since I haven't been out doing my thang that my grifting mojo is slippin' and this kinda proves it."

"Don't sweat your skills Kenz, because I have a confession to make. I knew Dr. Snatcher before tonight and guess what? The very same doctor knows Mumphert; you remember your favorite personal shopper and housekeeper? So maybe that's why your cover went all limp noodle." Tamsin replies chuckling and before I can get a word in then I feel her lean down closer to me while still pushing me along. "But then again maybe its for the best since you gotsa boyfriend now. You know time to hang up the gypsy thug life, wigs, and that purple thing you call a vibrator. I swear you could bust up asphalt with that thing."

"Don't insult Evangeline! I dig powerful chicks and I won't retire her under any circumstances that would be as insane as me letting go of my long and sharp snicky-snick guard dog Geraldine." I retort and Tamsin stops pushing the wheelchair suddenly and I slide forward a bit; quickly I readjust myself, and turn around as much as I can and glare up at her. "What?"

"You actually named your dildo Evangeline?"

"It's a classic babe and those never go out of style."

Tamsin chuckles and starts pushing the wheelchair again and I turn back around in my mobile chair. "Yeah well Kenz, with a name like that to me it sounds more like the girl Scarlett was banging on the side when what's his face couldn't get it to 'rise again'."

"How dare you!" I say while clutching my chest in mock southern belle distress, but truly I'm trying not to laugh.

"Whatever." Tamsin says and I detect some mischief in her tone. "You know we can ditch this ride as soon as we get to the elevator bank, but what I suddenly want to know is; how bad do you still need your fix?"

I've been kinda ignoring the feral roar down yonder, but now that she mentions it; shit could I be in the early stages of toxic avenger shock now?

"I need those magic pills bad, so hand them over."

"Sure but on one condition." Tamsin says as she reaches over to call for the elevator.

"Okay, so it's like that huh? What's your angle sista-fae friend?"

"Not much, but for my silence you're going to have to throw me a little something."

I have taught the young Valkyrie well, perhaps too well. "And what do you need thrown at you pray tell?"

The elevator dings and I stand up out of the wheelchair and damn it if my stupid cramps don't land a hard drop kick, reverse cow-girl style. I clutch my midsection and walk slightly hunched over into the elevator. Tamsin follows in behind me and I end up leaning against the cool walls, as she taps the button for the parking garage more than twice.

"I need new dance moves because those we rocked at the Dark Kaley a while back sucked ass." Tamsin finally replies smirking like some kind of evil dentist. "And even though I'm not a wide-eyed Dorothy anymore I still just wanna dance sometimes; you know skeet, skeet, skeet!"

I laugh because I bet she doesn't know what that word means yet or she does, and because she could've blackmailed me for something like ten times worse. "Alright I'll throw you my absolute best shake it like a salt shaker, drop it like it's hot, and twerk it till it breaks moves." I say while watching that smirk morph into a severe shit-eating grin that's pancaking all over her Valkyrie lips. "Now that we have our terms settled, unhand the pills!"

I smile in spite of her reluctance to make with my fix lickedy-banana split style and close my eyes, but they spring open at the sound of a sweet ass rattle; the rattle of wonderful yummy pills being released into my custody. "Starting this second we will never speak of this incident ever again Tam-Tam. And I mean that cause what happens in the Urgent Care stays in the Urgent Care, you feel me?" I state while freeing the bottle from Tamsin and then I pop the top and put two pills in my mouth.

Tamsin just chuckles while giving the elevators buttons some rest from her constant pressing. "Chill Moms, your secret is safe with me."

Even in my current condition I smile at my favorite Valkyrie. Those pills damn well better kill off the unnatural feeling of Mother Nature doing Zumba in my baby factory. The elevator jars me as it stops at every floor, even with Tamsin continuously pressing the 'doors closed' button.

"Pretty sure that doesn't help, Tammy."

"Yeah well, it gives me something to do in this slow ass coach."

After a few more minutes a warm feeling rushes through my stomach and spreads, and the cramps from lowest realms of hell are finally stopping. I feel like I'm having a mild orgasm right now and dear God, I'm buying or 'borrowing' enough Fae industrial strength Tylenol to see me through until the next time the Fae hits the fan.

"Holy dildo's!"

"This is so not the time or place to get religion Kenz."

**-END-**

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><p><span><strong>Soundtrack:<strong>** "Brass Monkey" by Beastie Boys, "Fire Water Burn" by BloodHound Gang & "Stay Free" by The Clash**

**Final Words:**** My goal was to make you laugh with my second LG fic. So I trust you will let me know if I succeeded at any point in the future when you read this. I always laughed when watching the Kenz, and then her and Tam together just crack me the hell up; laughter is a guaranteed byproduct with them and I hope I represented properly.**


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